The first Step

For the first 10 years of my school, I mostly took 18 to go to school, and if i had the choice i always preferred 2258. There were too many 18's so we referred to the buses by their number plates.

2258 was our favorite coz it had the most aggressive driver.It was during this period that i realised what aging is, by seeing the same conductor on and off over 10 years, observing his features changes, see him get more irritated with school kids as he grew old and observing his hair go white.

The other buses we took were 90D, 290,280 and other variants of 18 like 18c et all.Our fav, if we got it was 280 which headed to Ghatkesar. As it was a suburban bus it had fewer stops and an enterprising driver who did not halt even at the scheduled halts.

For most of my first 8 year, standing at the mettugudda bus stop , i use to see 250 zip by . We never took it, coz it turned left at Habsiguda and did not go to our school.

Then one fine day sometime in 8th or 9th standard, I had to go to ECIL crossroads to pick up the application form from Omega. That day I took a 250.It was scary. I did not know how soon or how late to expect ECIL cross roads and I was alone. We did not have cell phones so that I could call Anand and ask him to give me some indications of when i will reach my destination.

Later I did take that bus many more times, sometimes to write the A S Rao talent search exam,sometimes to visit Anand in Ashoknagar(I think his colony was/is called this). Anand today is sitting in USA designing civil structures.

I did not made it through Omega and neither through AS Rao. I never liked the format of AS Rao also, too many Reason/Assertion questions. Why bother how does the cloth dry up, because of the sunlight or because of the blowing wind.

Maps review

Google Maps(G) is good because it came first, but yahoo Maps (Y) is better.

Because of this. The same place when viewed through both is identical, but Yahoo tells me the name of my teeny weeny village, my native place, while google does not.

So who is to blame, The purchase manager at Google who bought the maps software from Europa.
While Yahoo came later it maps are more detailed( They knew the name of my village, None of the kids in Std I had even heard about it)

Perhaps it is time for Google to change vendors.

Freaking shit....The dudes who sold the map to Yahoo are Indians. CE Info Systems

Well..well..well...It is about time for me to check yahoo maps for detailed places in the USA, and stop giving advice to google on how to run it's business.

P.S.: I think i got most of my facts incomplete if not incorrect. Yahoo has bought from an Indian company, i think, Maps only for India.

Growing Up and Hum nahi badlenge

Sometime last month, i celebrated another of my birthday.

It was cool like any other birthday, but without the cake. I have taken up this new job and the timing are from evening 7 to morning 3:30, ie if i am not overworked. Otherwise they also do start earlier. So it was kinda impossible for my folks to carry off the cake thingy.

I AM NOT CRIBBING EITHER ABOUT MY TIMINGS OR THE LACK OF CAKE.

It is just that perhaps(my friends at college use to tell me that this was my pillow word, gives you an idea of how confident a fellow i am) I am growing up or growing old or moving on etc.

It's kinda funny this whole growing up story.

Readings: Am trying to read Taleb's Black Swan for some time now. It's tough. Meanwhile have managed to read GB Shah's Angel Joan, Man and Superman( skipping the section in hell). Otherwise also skipping the sections of non fiction, I don't know why , but Shaw in his time thought, along with the book he needs to add sections like Tanner on good being etc. General lessons to society and vella people on how to do what.

Perhaps(:-)) in his time it should have been some marketing gimmick to sell the book, but in my time and at my age i am in mood to read that kind of stuff.

I actually do read up my posts to correct the spelling mistakes , and of late trying to find opportunities to add hyperlinks. I was trying to find something for vella, but using google adsense i ended up here.

The hindi font sucks on AOL. But the pity was UTI Mutual fund has a banner on AOL(Hindi version) , but the banner itself is in English.

I WON'T CRIB.

I think it serves well the marketing Managers at UTI to put that ad there and forget that it is a website in hindi.

Mujhko dekhoge jahan tak

I was reading this. Which then led me here. I am not aware if amazon pays amit varma anything , but he did have a couple of identical links on the same page , which to me appeared unnecessary.

So after reading that i went here.( you see, i am a newbie when it comes to hyper links, So I am just indulging myself.)

Everything was fine till here.

The next thing i wanted to do was watch the movie with subtitles for free , sitting as i am .

Unfortunately technology allows me that, But I haven't evolved to that stage yet.

It was so easy in campus, you could always ask a Techie to download that movie..and within a day you could have seen it.

Sometime back a friend asked me, Do you miss campus?. I said, Naaaahh..in the usual superficial way.

Today , sitting here, wanting to watch that movie for free along with subtitles,I am missing campus.

googlea4e9993c0b1d7c0b.html

Easy.

Test to see photo, Link



Life
Moves on.

Spirituality

Me: Hi

Him : Hi, How have you been.

M: Okish....

H : Start..., You wanted to talk about something , right...

M: Hmm...It's got to do with my life...I did an Engineering , and afte that realised that i really didn't want to do it...then i did an MBA...and realised the same thing again....i have done a job now and quit it after 6 months...

H: OK..

M: You remember me coming to you before the GD/PIs of B schools, I was good at GDs and then one fine day we started with Interviews...mine first, with you lasted for about 3 mins...

H: It is coming back...yes I recall a bit now....

M: I kinda think you might have been through this phase yourself...

H : I did.And it was tough..In your case at least you could take up employment...I couldn't make myself take up employment...So what do you want from your life?

M : I want success.. but it just doesn't seem ..

H : Haha...you want everything the people want...but you don't want to play by their games..

M : Yeah..

H: So you don't want to suck up to them as others usually do..

M : Yeah..Also i some times feel like this world wasn't meant for me..

H : OK...Look , At anyday, All other things being equal, your boss or someone else would favour a person he likes, is friendly with ..right.

Listen, from our birth we are taught to obey, and since no one likes it we indulge in this race to supremacy so one fine day we can rule and have to obey no one...

So either accept this fact of life or accept the fact that you cann't suck up to people and be ready for how it turns out, and be OK with it...

You have two options, either become what you see around or do what you like and then don't expect things to turn out fine...Also if you want the things to be different..make them different in your life first..

What do you want to do with your life?

Me: Donno...Am really searching for my calling in life...but sometimes I wonder, What i don't ever find my calling in my life...then what..

H : Make every moment your calling in Life...At any point in life we are usually worrying about what happened in the past or how would tomorrow turn out...And we forget the present moment..Concentrate on the task ahead and do it to best of your abilities..also do what you like doing and then do it...but never factor in the returns in that case...

M : I did this online test sometime back and it threw up the result that i was a schizoid ..

H : Like in schizophrenia ..explain me what it means..

M : Like i cannot feel what people feel..usually i cann't empathise with them...etc..

H : But isn't it desirable that you do

M : Then i won't be myself..

H : Why do you give yourself so much importance. Look it from this perspective..you have an ailment and some tissue /part of the body needs to be repaired...do you come up with a suggestion that , you won't allow it because ,after it, you won't remain yourself...

Understand this part..don't give yourself too much value and understand which changes are desirable...tomorrow you will have a family etc..wouldn't you want to feel their emotions or would you just play hardball on being yourself...

M: Yeah..

H :Life should pass in an instant..like this(Clicks using two fingers)..be cheerful..meet people...and make every moment your calling...because even if you do find your calling, you would get bored of it as soon as you get there...that's human nature.

...look you are a determined chappie...once you thought CAT karna hai to you did it , then interviews were a big struggle , but you were determined so you did well in them too..i had a very small part to play in it...you did well because you wanted to do well.

...you should be confident and proud of yourself in spite of your degrees...you did them..and now it is over...forget them...

...Your another problem is that you are an achiever..people are always looking upto you from that perspective.

Fitzgerald

Things not to worry about.

Parity in scale or renumeration
Perception
Role clarity
People not backing u

Things to worry about

Exposure
Do u still believe in urself
Confidence level
Why did u come here

When you look back at the immediate past there was one part you lost badly, an ability to believe in yourself. You allowed this world to decide what you were and what you were not and similarly what you could be good at and at what , not.

Things do get difficult at times , but throughout you need to keep the self belief boat afloat hereafter.

I still haven't read The Great Gatsby , but instead have browsed through letters Fitzgerald wrote his teen aged daughter. In one of them he makes an entirely different list, though under similar heads, as above.

I have always believed that when one enters a garden looking for a rose and finds a lily, one need not be disappointed but be open enough to admit that lilies can be sweeter than roses.

When we make new plans and start new things we have a vague idea of how we want things to turn out . Life is usually a tad different. Still,

Explore. Learn . Discover.
Enjoy.

Fuck Up

The state of mind. But even it has its advantages. I pulled back today, from the gamble. But did realize that the pull back(or not ) wasn't relevant, the clarity it brought was.

We always carry our baggages where ever we go. Sometimes proclaiming otherwise. Thinking ourselves as mere nomads who carry the bare minimum luggage but always are on the move.

Preparing for another Fuck Up.

Vent

After i have bored the best of my friends with my cribbing.
After I have lost everything I ever had. In terms of pedigrees.
After i have regretted every decision (just the latest here, in campus placement) i have taken
After I have found a vent to unleash my frustrations.

I will be free .Or so i think. Make believe myself.

You see, a cribbo meter is one where i usually rate myself depending on how much i am cribbing on a particular day. The max being 5.

I am clocking 5 everyday for the past 4-5 months. Today in the morning while traveling in the local, my breathing grew heavy and i asked myself , Why?

All of us have vents. Well ,almost all.

Peace

Clarity in thought , though a lifelong asset, at this moment seems to have been lost.

You know how this would end. Still , you worry, wake up in the middle of the night, your first thoughts in the morning are about it.

Word for the moment seems to be befuddlement.

The greatest asset that one has is his coolness, not the one which one shows off ,but the one in the mind.

The combination of clarity in thought and mental coolness is the most deadly. And when someone who has taken that combination for granted for all his life, The loss of both of them, together, does create a vacuum.

Peace is a derivative of that combination. And by a priori reasoning, also has been lost.

Welcome to the corporate Jungle.

But i continue to hold the conviction that the Man is stronger than the cards.

Pune.

The weather is great. Many friends are here.The city is better than Mumbai. I am typing this from Rahul's home in pune. Everything is here.

Still , Why am i in mumbai?

A city of 7 : 15 ki fast from Kalyan. A city of catching 340. A city of slow local,fast local. A city of vashi locals from thane. A city where i meet close friends after a gap of 1 year.

Why?

Dedication

To all those who still read me. When i can't find a reason why a sane person should do that. This post is an attempt to write in a continuous stream of thought and not leave many ends open.

We had our convocation yesterday. Kasturi Rangan had come down and awarded us the medals, Well ,technically he gave them away to only awardees. So our director gave us ,lesser mortals our degrees ,while those academically brilliant got it from Mr. Rangan.

When you come to think of it, how did i survive in a place which had 26 university gold medalists and others with bigger pedigrees, I am happy that i just about survived.I ended up at 66th amongst 87 smart asses.

A casual conversation with 2 years my juniors and i was again recollecting my memories of those days when i use to have the same insecurities as they have now.Like, have i taken the right institute?two years down the line what kind of job will i get? and if one had the choice of choosing over 2-3 B-schools,Did i take the right college?
Isn't the grass greener on the other side?

Another conversation with my immediate juniors and they were discussing what my peers use to discuss till about a year back. Committee rivalries, green company cracks, inefficient placement pitching efforts, etc.

A few months down the line when in placement mood, they would be talking of a trade off between Brand , Salary and Profile. Of how the ideal trinity is an impossibility and what should one choose above the other and why. Those pond side or PPO road discussions would go on and on and on.

And one day they would be placed. Most of them in Laterals. A few in slot 0. The least in slot 1. Guys from other batches in slot 2 as well.

A few months after the placements they would be told, the dude placed in slot 2 is in Vancouver.
Chilling out. And you/some godforsaken son of a gun placed in slot zero, in a blue chip company is planning to switch.

And they would say , Shit for what did i fuck my life in the last one year.

BTW these days my peers discuss about the time and speed settings at which you need to run on a tread mill.Which Bank is buying which other bank. Does Brand name of an institute matter when switching etc.

I am my usual self, blissfully indifferent.

Time is passing by.The wheel turning the same circles.

Patjhad hai Kuch...Hai na

Sometimes you have to write, because you have to write.

Update from Mumbai is that Global Warming has finally arrived and the city is drowning.Also it is not so easy to find a job post your MBA.

One of the customers called me to his residence on the 15th floor of a posh Mumbai locality, Napean Sea Road, to discuss some details, and before i could gather what was happening he and his wife, mostly his wife slammed me for asking them some customary details. It is one thing to listen to a customer yelling on the phone..you can always tell. Hello...Hello...(Is there any body in there?, Yes Pink Floyd) and cut the phone. the aforesaid incident,another.

Also if the customer is yelling at you in a face to face interaction , even then you can try to pacify him by using some statagem. But when it is a lady in her mid 50's, who is yelling at you , you cann't take it. Believe me you cann't. I was sitting on the 15th floor with a king size window behind me, and the only idea doing rounds in my mind was..Shit why did i not tie my parachute around today. Had i done done , beleive me, I would have jumped. 2 hours was the duration of them (2 people, Bless their kids, they did not join in) slamming me.

After i get out of their flat , I call my boss. Capital error. Then i call another client, he says he needs time to think if he wants to take the Loan (Technically an unsecured overdraft)which we are offering.I call my boss again. Slam . Bang @#$%. Go and meet HIM.

HE needs time to think, and while he is thinking (Actually buying time, even he knows the biggest evil in our lives are month ends) how the hell can i meet HIM.

For some duration i just walk the streets, roaming aimlessly, pitying myself at what my life has come to. After some more time i buzz a friend. Lunch?. Bang comes the reply "I am in a meeting". The next time someone says that to you , clear your throat and yell , LIAR.

Of all the phrases i hate in this blasted corporate world, the above one takes the Gold. Not Gold plated Brass, pure 24-carat Gold.

But since he is my friend and i don't expect him to at least lie to me, i don't clear my throat.

He later calls back and takes me to lunch at a far off place.(15 min walk on top of a 45 min aimless walk is a pain) I have a perfunctory lunch and as has become my habit of late, i don't finish it. Now I go to churchgate station and sit there in the company of an octogenarian. Both of us makhi maring.

Later ,HE says that he is still not free, so I have to wait for more. And then a lightining. OXFORD.Not the UK wala dear. The bookshop near churchgate which i often visit to find the MRP on books before buying the pirated copies from the footpath at fort. That helps calculate the opportunity cost , or by how much am i stealing the author and his/her publisher.

The only good thing of the day, i run into a school friend at oxford. We meet again after 10 years.10 years incidentally represents 40 % of my total existence on this planet.Of fuck! Why did i do an MBA.

A cool 2 hours are spent at oxford trying to read that Mitch Albom or somebody who keeps minting books like: 5 people you meet in heaven etc. The one i was trying to read at oxford was about the baseball player who tries to end his life. Anyways ,curse the Oxford shipowners as well . All the places where one can sit and read are vertically below AC vents/ducts/a technical name has just given me a miss. And when you have been roaming in the rains since the morning, a part of your clothing tends to be wet.Beneath AC wet wet cloths, Deadly combination.

I call HIM again. HE is still not free and since it is raining heavily. HE advices me to go home, effortlessly adding that we will meet tomorrow. Nalay. ( In reverse order Arundhati, chose to end her novel). Oops now i remember, a post on Kochu Thombam for long is in my mind. Hum honge Kamyab 1 Din.

When tomorrow cometh, Mumbai Drowneth.
I no go to Napean Sea Road.
Neither to Office. Nor to HIM
And HE and i donth meet.

Hurray.

From here SANITY :

A Thousand Splendid Suns is a good read. A decent one. And just like Family Matters bombed on the backdrop of A Fine Balance,in spite of being a good read, So i think The Kite Runner will also ruin a decently written book.

Hundred years of solitude is and continues to remain a bouncer. A grim reminder that Never read Nobel prize winner's Books.(Forget bouncer, Geetanjali actually was a non starter, 3 pages was all I could manage, No, i am not a patriot.) Still some googling and there is some clarity on what Marquez is trying to say.And i am trying to read it.

Shantaram was splendid. I still go back and just pick up any chapter and read the last paragraph.And every time , there is Bliss.

My Fav Quotes : I was interested in everything but committed to nothing.
And. The only cause I have is my freedom.

Indore/ Chennai/ Noida.

Yeh Indore se mera blog kaun pad raha hai bhai?

Whims, Fancies and Sales/ 3 instances.

In a suburban train ...

A : (Hunching forward) So what is your pay

B : (Pause) around 9.

A : Good, So what have you done.

B : (Another pause, sitting backwards ) CA.

A : So it helped you to jump and then come back to this company.

B : Yeah that did help.Also i am doing a CFA as well.

A : That is great.what did you start with.

B :In 2005 with 5.5. That was long time back.

Incidentally they are in my line of business. ( Not the CA part though) What does the crystal ball tell me?

Lady in Bus On Phone : The TN piece is doing great. With the implementation....Yeah...But AP and Banglore..the whole of karnataka hasn't picked up...Yes they are not implementing..(Jargon)...Why don't you mail A and Mark a copy to B and C. That should set the matter straight....

I am telling you mail A ,B , C in that order...haan rey...TN piece is good..who is the sales manager there...

I was sitting outside a Bakery near Bramen circle. Waiting. This old lady dressed up in typical maharastrian dress up with a torch in one hand and a Jute Bag in another was sitting down. Suddenly she yells in marathi..Don't break the bottle, I am sitting here. A cursory look around tells me, it is a typical drinking area in a medium size city near the outskirts, where people usually come to drink. I have observed the shape of the area is usually in a U shape, with flux levels at a comfortable 30 lumens.

Suddenly I find this lady fighting with her patrons( drinkers) to give the used bottle to her and not another person who is dressed in khadi with a gandhi topi thrown in for good measure.

Obviously both do not belong to this generation. And they are competing.

I once thought what was in life was just to give shots, irrespective of the consequences. Today i take back that viewpoint. And actually turn it on its head.

If your shots do not give you results , then what good was the shot anyways. You could as well have not taken the shot.

On a personal note, I have shifted out of campus , back to home. And i don't feel any nostalgia.

Nanna.

He always brought barfi from Kewal Halwai, whenever he came to meet us. In Secunderabad or Mumbai.

Whenever i went to jhansi, he made sure some food for me was always prepared differently in accordance with my eating habits.Sometimes just dal rice, otherwise bread with tea for breakfast.

He took me along with him on his morning and evening walks. Sometimes in morning we went to leher ki devi. Once we went near a hill, he sat down, while i climbed up the hillock along with a few cousins. While coming down, i discovered that ,sometimes you run faster than your fastest best and cannot stop under any circumstances.

The evening walks sometimes doubled up as vegetable buying trips.

He took me to a hair cutting saloon once. While coming back i wanted to buy a lottery ticket for 2 bucks, the prize for the same being about 100 bucks. He did not allow me to buy it.He said the point is not that it is just for 2 bucks, but i don't want you to get into this habbit.

He once yelled at me for going to a cousin's house. I came back to his house after 2 spending 2 days at orcha.

Whenever we had to take dakhsin or AP express from jhansi, both in the middle of the night, he always woke us up.

He never yelled at me for hiding his small tobacco box.But use to be pretty cross at me whenever i expressed a desire to taste the tobacco.

He always asked ,whenever i met him after a long time, how is rajkumari ?(my mother) . But rarely cared to ask he how is my dad? , his son.

He lost his father when he was 3, went to school upto 2nd standard. He started working very early in his life in a mill in indore. He later came back to Jhansi, and became an engine driver in Railways.he use to say it was so easy to get a job those days. He was once just sitting there and someone came and asked will you drive a locomotive for a job? And he got a job.

From what little i recall, he always wrote to us in sec'bad on a post card. In his typical handwriting.

He loved playing cards. His favorite free time activity. He always beat me at rummy and dehla pakad. He also had games he could play alone.

Nanna, my grandfathar expired yesterday. This is in celebration of his life. The Bond we had. And what we shared.

May 7.

Will always be remembered.Takes and Stands were what i thought my life was all about.But after 2 years of studying(Officially) , i have now come to realise, I have turned a bit scratchy and rusted.

Things which were till some time back very me have deserted me. I have somehow lost the only thing which i perceived i had , Courage. To stand up and speak my mind. Express myself.

In the last few days i was a lot more bothered about "what if" circumstances. Something to which i never gave a Damn. My weakness , as many put it. My way, as what i always put it.

If life were a process of self discovery, Rotting is the process of forgetting what was discovered, in the journey.

If one liner's are a person's forte, That needs to be practiced.

The dude at Pop Tates, Saki Naka made up my day when he served a complimentary ice cream. When questioned why, His response, " We give it to those customers we like". Accepted that i belong to that tribe of bloodhounds who once made a bill of 800 bucks completely complimentary at Pizza Hut,HN( In celebration of me completing an existence of a quarter century). And again , in the company of a dear friend ,at Sheisha Kanjur, ice cream and mocktails worth some 300 bucks were gotten as complimentary. You got it ,my word of the moment is COMPLIMENTARY.

And so did a dude at office, when everything seemed like falling apart. This post is dedicated to that dude. For making me realise ,again ,what actually is freedom. What actually is feeling yourself , again ,after you have lost it for a while.

On A Glider.

There was this afternoon when i was with a couple of friends, and i suddenly felt as if i wasn't there.Then there was this party we had, to celebrate another friend's birthday ,where people were discussing mosad ,munich etc. People know so much these days. A dude was quoted from world war 2 (people actually remembered that dude's name) who said something on israel and land for Jews etc. I was actually sitting somewhere in the middle and my appearance was that of a tennis spectator perpendicular to the direction of the court or ball-movement in a normal course of play. Looking at dudes here ,then there,then again here. Not a word came out of mouth. At some schools they talk about this concept of Class Participation. Its primary objective,my belief ,was to tell the world that you live on.

I would have loved to be on a glider. Flying it or as a passenger. A participating passenger.

Otherwise i have been on higher places. The hill top in my mom's village, the water tank top where i live these days, temporarily,in between two lakes. BTW i realized the other day, a lake when viewed from ground level does not give you an exact measure of its entire cover, but when viewed from my terrace top, technically an auxiliary top view, the picture ,technically an inverted image on my retina, is completely different.

I shall have my vengeance on this world. Even i do know a few things. But more than that , what i value are little observations like the one above.

Continuing the glider ride,on a completely unrelated note, Shantaram turned out to be surprisingly interesting even after having just read the first 200 pages and the last chapter.

Right now my options are.

1. Read Shantaram
2. Watch Enemy at the gates
3.Watch Clockwork Orange
4.Doze off.
5.Read yesterday's newspapers

Bang in the middle of the week i have 2 off's, coutesy the dude who coined the word Labour and someone else who chose to celebrate it tomorrow. And Budh poornima. When having to think of it ,i now realise ,i don't have an iota of an idea , whom to thank for that. Buddha, Moon god or the dudette poornima. I will generally thank mankind, harappa and mohan jo daro( It's ok, if it is in Pakistan today),Indus and someone in my company who decided that we shall have an off on this day.Indus, for flowing. They say civilizations initially came up near rivers and fishes were one of the early living things, after unicellular organisms.

Ans so i might end up exhausting all the 5 options and still end up with ample time and nothing to do. And then I will blog again.

Feedback.

• I developed an aversion to look at anything with a black background during my school days ,so don't read you.
• Why do you have to have a game of cards as your blog name.What, It is not rummy?
• Who/What/Where/Why is Rumi?
• I hate you and by commutative law i hate your blog.
• Your writing has no flow.
• Highly Abrupt.
• What do you have in your head when you write.
• I just enjoyed bootpolish, otherwise your writing sucks.
• Why do you write?
• You just need to write 9 senseless posts before you write something readable.
• I don't understand what you write.
• It is way too dark (With a finger up my nose)
• Too remorse and sadness filled.
• I prefer to listen to Chakna Remix.

( As is life, some of above is fiction. Do add to the list if you wish to or just sally away from here as you usually do.)

Dependency

Wiki's take on the same was related to Countries. A close friend had come down from Pune last weekend. He was running away from the hot climate prevalent in Pune these days. He informed me he had two type of friends, those who knew, they would want a break up in some time say 6 months or so, and others who were trying to find reasons to have a break up.

Wordweb's take on the same(partially) is this : Being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming .

When i see people in relationships and have to usually stand their conversations, It's is like this...I am getting into a lift..I am staring at my computer screen...Come one ..the fight is over..etc.

I take no offense. In thank you for smoking when the kiddo asks his mother ,what is his father's problem .She replies, He has dependency problems. Googling did not help me much but if i have to put my finger on something, it is something a couple of people share, a space where the concept of stepping on each other's space does not occur.

Dependency of a human being over another.The absence of the same being Dependency problem.

I got out of a client's office somewhere around 7:30 in the evening in Colaba .It was a bit cloudy and windy. So i took a walk around gateway . Sitting there, enjoying the wind and looking at the reflection of lights on an otherwise dark water surface which also was defining the waves boundaries. Sitting there , i was trying to call, the vacuum in my thoughts .Ideally i would have preferred to sit there till Judgment Day but a friend was waiting for me at Churchgate." Kal office bhi jana hai Bhai". Gateway and around is the Goa of Mumbai.

Can freedom transcend the concept of work.Of Tomorrow.Of Being(Intentional Pun).

Morphine

A privilege to watch Les Invasions Barbares in a room dimmed room with 12 V Tungsten Halogen lamp in a Luminaire the shape of an inverted Cap made from bamboo. A crescent of a moon showing up from the window. It's 4:40 AM in the morning and the load shedding can strike any time. In a few minutes the birds will start chirping and disturbing me.
I had a scheduled holiday tomorrow but they say tomorrow there would be a training.The cuckoo is awake .

Some movies are entertainment,some education. But very few open a new window in a person's life, where one before thought ,existed a wall.

Hats Off.

When We Dance......

The title is directly co related to the contents of the movie.

Apocalyptica

You don't believe in Music, Do you.

Maria Callas was last quoted in Philadelphia ( Tom Hanks movie , Bozo, the one with AIDS). My introduction to opera was in DCH where Aamir khan clutches his throat in the middle of a performance.youtube can help you listen to many of Maria Callas' renditions. Though generally speaking i couldn't differentiate one from another.Anyways, another bouncer was an article on the same lady on wiki and some kind of professional enmity she shared with another lady. The point was how such a talented person could also be let down (according to wiki)by believing in the pleasures of external beauty. I am no woman , and i generally know/believe womenfolk are a bit fussy about their appearances ,Natural or otherwise.But how high can this expectation from oneself go, Very high it seems.

But the fun part is not just Callas's rendition ,but Tom Hank's description of some French revolution along with that, the way in which he gets a high as the music proceeds. It was a treat.Yes, i am not the kind of person who appreciates things a lot.Mostly.

Similar is the experience when Apocalyptica plays..Nirvana's Nothing else matters. I thought it was a violin, but their website claims it is something called four cellos. An example of an infinite iteration :when i googled on four cellos, it took me back to apocalyptica rather than telling me what the heck is Four cellos. My first reaction on hearing that blasted combination of words was like four kids going to school carrying that half Liter cello water bottle which people told kept water cold, and which used a chain to keep its cap from getting lost.In my case the same was always found broken on the return procession from school on the very day of its debut.

They say oil and other necessary items were in short supply just after the first world war 2. So they manufactured something called hydrogenated oil, In India called Dalda to keep oil in solidified form. Also Oil use to come from Iran in Tin shaped containers and distributed all over India.And at those time vegetables to Mumbai use to come from Pune, essentially being grown in the pune-nashik stretch.Unloading was done at Byculla.Initially Leavers India was in the soaps business, but soon Tatas realized soap's potential in a dirty emerging India and founded tata chemicals.A client told me all this and a lot more.

The opening gambit's courtesy lies with the dude who composed Hallelujah (and not me).

Tomorrow i have another medical, Third in my lifetime. And strangely i am not a bundle of nerves i was before the previous two.Growing Up or growing down or growing out?

Gyaan

- The boss never matters. The bosses' boss matters.
- It takes 10 years to build a career.
- Most people earn wealth at the cost of their health and then spend their wealth to take care of their health.
-There is a vast difference between performing well and making people perform the way you want them to.
-A company would grow anyway. With or without you.
-Appraise yourself by setting annual,realistic goals. And then judge to see if you have achieved them.
-Numbers will come any which ways.
-Be careful for what you wish for cause you will get it.(This one is stale, I know)
-Take care of your body,coz it is the vehicle from where you will launch urself.
-There is a dearth of talent at the top.
-Everybody knows Narayan Murthy today. But for 15 years he(and his team) did eek out an unknown existence.
-Never blame your boss or your organization for your ills.
- Happiness comes not from what job you are doing but the way in which you are doing it.
-Enjoy your job. If not ask yourself , why ?
-No one owes you a career.
- When you fail, don't quit. Because you will always carry your failures with you.
-Even the best guys at wall street do only 3 out of 10 things right.
-Have a professional and personal life balance.

All the above is produced as quoted.A lot more which was quoted lies forgotten.

Are you Happy?

This post is being written in posterity. When a moment died.

There is one Gospel. One Gita. One bible. One koran.
Catch-22.

They sometimes treat you like mosquitoes and just after spraying baygon in your face ask,
Are you happy?

Anger

A man must do
What a man must do.
And if it be writing. Then so be it.

Reasons why a person gets angry.

1. Things don't turn out the way anticipated.
2. One is short tempered.
3.One is generally angry.
4.The circumstances change suddenly.
etc.

To get angry is usually an impulsive gesture, but some of us channelize that anger properly and use it for a purpose.Or one generally starts getting this feeling when one goes to sleep.

On analysis the reasons can be identified. But what is robbed is a sound sleep.The primary reason for this post's existence.A bozo once said between an input and a person's reaction lies a vacuum. In this vacuum lies a person's discretion on how to react(something to this effect).
IIIly anger is an input...and i in a vacuum. When in a vacuum listen to this song.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Performed by Bobby McFerrin

Here is a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note
Don't worry be happy
In every life we have some trouble
When you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy......

Ain't got no place to lay your head
Somebody came and took your bed
Don't worry, be happy
The land lord say your rent is late
He may have to litigate
Don't worry, be happy
Look at me I am happy
Don't worry, be happy
Here I give you my phone number
When you worry call me
I make you happy
Don't worry, be happy
Ain't got no cash, ain't got no style
Ain't got not girl to make you smile
But don't worry be happy
Cause when you worry
Your face will frown
And that will bring everybody down
So don't worry, be happy (now).....

There is this little song I wrote
I hope you learn it note for note
Like good little children
Don't worry, be happy
Listen to what I say
In your life expect some trouble
But when you worry
You make it double
Don't worry, be happy......
Don't worry don't do it, be happy
Put a smile on your face
Don't bring everybody down like this
Don't worry, it will soon past
Whatever it is
Don't worry, be happy

Random Again

You should write.
Compose.
Begin for
if not a beginning
what else
remains here.
The last
that one knows.
The first
that one would believe.

Coincidences Galore
In lifetime
This one
or the other.
Mine
or yours.
Here
or in another world

It is when one is alone.Insecure. That one feels light.
To loose. To drown. To let it go.

To be free.

Boot Polish.

I am the kind of person, who ,when in conversation on the phone, questioned , what's New?,usually ends up replying, "i took a bath today". Once one has this bare idea about me, one can guess how often i shine my shoes.

The last time i remember indulging in the act was when my placements were on. So my shoes are a veritable combination of dust leather, grime etc. Of late i need to wear them daily, a consequence of being in employment. And i do have a job which involves fair bit of traveling in Mumbai. The fastest medium of traveling in Mum continues to be sub urban trains also referred to as locals.
Locals use locals to travel locally. Smartie me.

So one has to use the stations often. Their is this old Johny Lever Song ..Joota polish karega...
Be it as it may, the other day, i had those moments when i try to pump money back in the economy and try to alleviate people above the BPL . So i apprehensively put my foot forward for a polish..and was satisfied by the experience. Next i handed a 5 rupee coin to the protagonist expecting some change back. And no he doesn't even look at me. I gulp the affront and tell him excuse me..He says saab paanch rupaya lagta hai. Viola shit..5 rupees for a simple boot polish.

So i decide , no more caring for the economy when it is filled with these looters. I have proudly stopped using their services.

You see different people use different sales pitch, like the 3 sugar cane juice walas( they have adjacent shops) at Andheri station keep shouting.. bolo..bolo..ad infinitum. Similarly Polish walas keep banging their brush on their pedestal ( wooden box uses as a holding device to keep a person's feet in position when the shoe is being polished.)

In an ideal world they would go on with their sales pitch and me with my traveling, but imperfections abound. It started with a simple observation by me, whenever i passed by them on stations their frequency and pitch becomes higher. Alarmed i started looking around.

In standard ten ,their was this story of The Umbrella Man, where the protagonist' mother gives people the frosty nosed look(or something like that)

I saw something like that in their looks when they looked at me, then at my shoes and back at me.I was angry. In a federal state like India it is no body's business how i keep my shoes. But invariably i got conscious whenever i passed any one of them at the stations, only to see that look in their eyes and the brush banging sound.If you have seen Requiem for a dream it was like the sequence in the movie with the unforgettable soundtrack playing in the background which keeps repeating. My soul was on fire and begged for revenge.

So one fine day I unleashed my new pair of shoes and there was peace all around. No scary looks. The soul's fire extinguished. And peace all around.

But my feet are hurting. Call it new Shoes itch. Well as they say ..even Peace has a price.

Hubris

Suketu Mehta just like Fyodor Dostoevsky reaches the elixir in the middle of his book and then fizzles out. A question remains, Why is it so very tough to leave on a high point. Why does a book become some kind of Apology towards its end.

Movies Update : Turtles can fly, Now and Forever, Crimson Gold, Salaa-e-ishq. Pan's Labyrinth is waiting to be viewed for some 2 weeks now.And could not complete Bicycle Thieves. It really is tough to watch movies older than 50 years in one sitting, for the kind of society and people it depicts is almost like some alien stuff without any special effects.

Water and Black Friday are the movies i want to watch..let's see..If time finds its way.

Book Update : Anita Desai's daughter done, Suketu mehta. Might start Shantaram or Godel, Escher,Bach. The later has made a beginning and sounds interesting. It makes me realize a long cherished dream , to go back to mathematics once i find some time for it.

Mathematics was one subject i loved because of the teacher who taught me Maths through 2nd to 5th standard. I was no great at the subject and struggled as much as every other person struggled. But Still.

I walked out of science in my 4th standard, because i didn't like the teacher or she beat me up or something. Later many better teachers came but that impression wasn't to be changed.

Also reading this book introduces me to two fields about which i know nothing. Music and Arts. Yes i am a very normal person who can't differentiate paintings from renaissance or the age of inquisition or anything. I merely know these words, nothing more.

Coming back to Anita Desai. That name has to remembered not for Fasting, Feasting(royal Bouncer) but Games at Twilight. For those who did their 9th and 10th sometime when i did or later than that, there was this new idea where the whole course in English was revamped. And it was titled Interact In English. One page inside the book and you could see another small name...in collaboration with University of Plymouth UK. It consisted of three books/year. Workbook , Literature reader and Main course book. We never touched the workbook which for me was a great relief. Though my dad had made 3 attempts and my English teacher in 8th a solitary one, One thing i was very sure i was not interested in learning English grammar. Never.

That perhaps remain the reason for my English, for being what it is.

Games At Twilight blows you away even when you are a kid studying in 10th.

Hubris . False . Pride. and how a word is murdered. Associations. Derogatory word. Good Word. Bad word. I have lost it.

Son of a smaller God.

Arundhati roy turned upside down.No she wasn't in the picture when this phrase came into mind.But, In retrospect Yes.

Of Burnt Bras

Caufield in conversation with his teacher discoverers that life can be equated to a game with a few buts and ifs thrown in,in The Catcher in the Rye. The ifs and buts essentially describing the rules in the game.As life has progressed ,i have ,on various instances accepted or rejected this viewpoint depending on my convenience.A gentleman also said once to a gathering, of which i was a part,two of man's biggest fears are acceptance and rejection.

Summation of the above yields , If life were a Game Acceptance would be its toughest rule.

A walk down the blog corridor ,and any amateur is blown apart with blogs of feminism and more feminism. Are people interested in what happens when a woman in a group is raped and cannot stand up and fight because the group might reject her.

I heard there was this burning of the bra thing in this movement long time back. Do they still burn bras in the investiture ceremony of feminism.And what happens to those shreds of the clothing left unburnt in the whole process.

Are they still used, as head scarfs or otherwise representative of the historic moment of which they hold a testimony.A moment which was celebrated by lighting up a piece of clothing.

Derision and insensitivity don't come easily to all of us. It needs to be developed and worked on before a certain stage is reached. Its arrival can be announced by an acerbic attack on the protagonist.

A fine middle aged person once tried to teach me a lesson in life. He claimed, If a person learns to laugh at oneself there is no need for him to find humour elsewhere.I understand that might be true at his age.But from where i stand , if you can't laugh at others expense, at their accents,actions and the general body structure,ennui would consume you.

Also a person in this field needs to have very healthy pairs of lower limbs. Rarely the reaction to derision is in the form of personal attacks like ...your nose curves inwards and...and sometimes it can be physical, an occasion not completely unavoidable at times.

Coming back to feminism. What does it exactly talk about, Equality of rights. Any level headed ass would realise that no two human beings are equal and we still haven't come to a person's gender and religious disinclination. The constitution talks otherwise because it's just that.
And yes we have also heard about "every human being in himself is unique and needs to be celebrated as such" thingy.

The beauty in derision is,that, it might be a game after all, but one with no rules. A la-free for all stuff.The kind which we use to play in school, a football game without fouls,where it was ok to push and pull and use langdi to pull people down. A state of free market economics you would say.

On another front , Noam Chomsky is turning interesting,especially the economics stuff and why governments need to continue spending on military.And why free economics is just a good media discussion topic,and just that.

Fear

They say the best antidote to fear is to try to confront it.

Pre day 0: Few applications and loads of pre placement talks.

Day 0 : The resume rejections have started to come.

Day 1 : Welcome to the two day slot o. I just have 2 processes.I1 and I2. . I somehow clear the group discussion of I1 .Also both of them had an online psycographic assessment , usually my waterloo. I have a 5 minute interview with I1 . I later learn , i did not make it to the second round PI. It was to be my dream job. Somehow.

I allow the rejection to get inside me, and go with that frame of mind in the I2 gd. Needless to say i screw it. Between these two , one process was before lunch and the other after lunch.
Since my day is over, I come back to my room and try to sleep. i don't get any sleep.

I try to go to bed early as i have nothing better to do. Sleep eludes me. Before this day i had heard you kinda don't get sleep when you are tensed.But never took that thought seriously.
I don't know when i actually went to sleep. But i do remember it wasn't before 2, when the first time i tried to hit the sack was around 10. In between Surya comes to encourage me and talk with me, but i squarely refuse. Something which i usually do not do.

Day 2 : second day of the slot 0. I do have 2 more gd's lined up. I do speak in both and fail in both. Also I3 has opened my kind of profile and i am thrust into the PI. I try to be myself , again in an PI. A cardinal sin. As i come out i realize again the blunders. Screwed.

At about 11 in the morning my day's over. I try to sleep pre and post lunch but with no success.
The results for slot 0 are being announced upstairs, but i give it a miss. I was there the last year when the slot zero results were being declared.

At about 4 in the evening surya calls me. Slot 1 has begun and i need to rush upstairs.From here my memory is blurred. There were about 10 students from our batch and about 30 companies. A few still insist on gd's. The saner directly take interviews. I rush from one to other till 12:30 in the midnight. I have missed my snacks and my dinner.At about 1 i am told i need to take another online psycho, which i complete by about 2 AM. I talk with a few friends who have come to encourage me and pull up my sagging spirits.

I hit the sack by 2 :30 and the same story repeats. Chase sleep and it always eludes you. I need to be ready by 7 AM for the first process tomorrow.

Day 3 :I am upstairs by 7. The same flurry of processes continue. I go without breakfast or lunch . My last process ends by about 3:30 PM. Before going in the PI, my friend tries to woo me not to go inside since they are not offering the profile of my preference. I still fight with him and go inside, As i had done with any process which came my way in the last 24 hrs.

There is this moment in The million dollar Baby , wher Clint Eastwood is shown coming to the church every sunday for the past 20-30 years or something. In the due course the father or the head of the church says ,"Only that kind of person can do that , who doesn't forgive himself".

I couldn't say so much to that friend so i just ducked his question of Why?.

The process ended about that time and a junior took me for lunch meant for corporates. I was cagey, not really sure if i could swallow anything hard after a long time. I gingerly took the juice and then some food and then some more. Meanwhile he made some comment that a HR was saying i was way too candid. This was because when she had asked why did you apply to our company. I replied," Ma'm i have applied to all the companies in this slot.And there is no specific reason as to why i applied to you."

As is usual i had decided N was the company for me, but they did not give me an offer.

I can go on about what all i did in the interviews. But one particular interview stands out which the G HR took in the balcony and which was supremely informal. More than trying to judge me based on my past events or my current ability to bullshit i had a decent conversation with her. The one question which did come out of the blue being which is the most important among why , where, what when and How.

I replied with why and she countered by how. Whatever.Otherwise it was a sweet conversation.
In all seriousness i would like to thank Dennis Leary for his song Asshole.

I still go back to N's interview time and again and try to think where i screwed it up. Only to find a hundred instances every time.

Coorg

Years of travelling by the dakshin express from sec'bad had made me believe that any train can make up at least 5 hours of delay ,anywhere in India.
Not anymore.

The rajdhani i boarded at Nagpur was 1.5 hrs late and did not recover even a minute(Of course i am exaggerating, it did recover 20 mins).I reached banglore at about 7:45 AM,and when i called up my bro to find out where he was, he coolly replied at his home, my call having just woke him up.
Deja Vu.

The weekend trip to Coorg was exalting.We stayed at the cottage of one Mr Kabir, whose primary vocation remains farming at a place called Manchali near Kutta.

For the first time in my life i saw coffee, Supari(donno the english translation),pineapple etc' tress.Mr Kabir was kind enough to light up a bon fire too.

The next day we started by visiting Irpu falls, where we discovered the meaning of the phrase bone chilling cold water. The night stay was at the nisargdham cottage. It is an Island artificially created by diverting Cavery with bamboo shoots all over the place. I understand it also has a deer sanctuary ,elephant ride and boating. We skipped all that to run to the Dubare elephant camp in the morning. I touched an elephant there and had an elephant ride. We bathed in the cavery whose temperature had fortunately risen up considerably since yesterday.

Yes we did go to Nagarhole tiger sanctuary as well, but the tigers and elephants chose not to bless us with their citing.

I bought some coffee as well at Rs 150/ KG. After coming to Banglore i realized the dudes at Nestle sell the same at Rs 1200 /KG. The shopkeeper also crushed the beans in our presence.

We had our lunch at Kushaalnagar and breakkfast at kamats, about 50 kms from Banglore.
A lot has been said, written and told about the banglore traffic.

Banglore -The city of pubs, where i have always been sober.

Nagpur Station

Bless Railtel and sify , for providing a cafe at the station. It helped me kill an hour of my time at the station. Someone once said co incidents are not just coincident.They are all planned.

Just met a person from my past standing outside the cafe. It was kind of awkward chatting with him , Because he was barely able to remember me. He is moved on in his life, moving to another NGO, Alert India at Sion. (The last part is just for myself, in case i forget to remember the details in future)

Goa was fun so was the marriage at Bhillai.
If there is anything to goa, it is arambol. I am told by my friends that there are other places along the maharastra coastline where one would find a beach nestled between sea water and freshwater but self has just seen Arambol and arambol truly is heaven.

We were put up at candolim, a 5 min walk from the beach but never went to the beach more than once. We also went to Old Goa to watch the cathedral and the church.

Aquada fort was also conquered. But the most boring part was the shopping binges the coterie forced me to go through. My belief till date was that only women are impulsive shoppers, but that belief lies shattered today, Men can also be as enterprising especially if i am lurking somewhere near them. I love Murphy.

Sify pop out says about 5 mins more to go so here i sign off.

P.S. : The most boring thing to do is read chomsky at 8 in the morning at a waiting room at Nagpur station waiting room.

Alibaug 2

As expected.
Today(Yesterday's Tomorrow) was worse.
Failure seemed a lot more easier. Actually it seemed that it was your middle name.
Ok . To the point , Self did not get placed in slot 0, so was pushed to slot One.

What happened in Slot one is another story. Did you ever wonder what does a person feel like when Slot zero does not happen to him. I was there last year, In my seniors slot one,
pushing my seniors from one interview to another , barely managing to tell them , which company's interview process they were being pushed into. And then this senior broke down.
Emotions finally finding a vent in tears, and i felt miserable watching a 25 year cry, in the middle of the placements, more than "a 25 year old", a senior cry.A person you have looked up to for the past one year.

You have always maintained it is ok to cry. Why just cry, but feel every possible emotion a human being feels and live it the way it should be. Do not classify emotions as being feminine or not, just feel them.

Yes sir a lot more easier said than done.

We reached Alibaug by 9 :30 or so . And while the crowd all around us was running all over mandawa to either get into The bus to the remaining Tum Tums we blissfully had our break Fast. A couple of vada pavs and a cutting. Finally when the consensus was nearing somewhere from where we did not want to walk all the way to alibaug, We buzzed the maaldar fellow.

Hello sir, How u doing. His reply , wtf u people still doing here when everybody has left this place.
He pushed us into a Tum Tum and we saved 350 bucks by not having to hire one .

Customer service at its best.We changed the 6 seater at alibaug and finally reached Devdanda, where we had booked our lodge.

In the course of our stay there a lot many things were attempted, Alcohol 3 patti and Beach being mention worthy.

We went to kashid beach in the evening , which actually is a dangerous beach. Because it is steep,
not very, but steep enough to be dangerous. The sunset was beautiful as it always is on a beach.

And sometimes to flow against the waves and sometimes is another experience altogether.
If there is one thing i could change about the beach, it would be the taste of the water. I understand salinity, all rivers flowing into the river. mineral salts et all. and i accept all.

But why , Why god in Christ's name need to make the sea water saline. I hate it.One day when i become god, whoosh, and all the sea water become become sweet just like a sandesh.

One of our believer friend (Not in me) wanted to visit uncle God , Even after 100 requests he did not oblige that god resides in our heart. He was pretty ok that god can reside in his heart, But in mine, naaaah. So we had to visit this Birla temple which was about 2 KMs off our route.
Pretty decent temple one must say. The typical Birla style where one must climb at least a plateau if not a hill to reach it.

The next day we were supposed to go to naigaon beach. That was the plan whenwe went to sleep.The next afternoon we just visited the Devdanda beach for solidarity sake, when we saw a fort on the other side of water.

The next as they say is history. We were in the fort in 3 hours after a sumptous lunch and being robbed(Neat and complete) by a autowallah. An add on was the light house thrown in as a complimentary dish. The fort was OKish.

We finally returned to churchgate and had our dinner at Khyber, a grossly overrated eatery.
Won't go there again.

Till you do not cry how will you know that the tears taste saline.

Off to goa tomorrow.